Reflecting on my first novel


My first novel was written in 2009. I unpublished the novel a few years later, because I felt that it wasn’t a good representation of my writing or myself. Oftentimes, your first novel is mostly about getting out all the junk you’ve held inside of you, things that can only really be expressed through writing. Yet as I’ve sat down and thought about that novel recently, the heart of the story, how I portray the characters, the moral behind the story, the beliefs I once held so dear. The story was indeed written by a different person. I’ve lived through many things since that time, all of which I am grateful for. They’ve shaped who I am today. I am so much stronger than I was even a couple of years ago.

Red, The Fight Inside, is an exceptionally inspiring song for creating a story like the first book that I wrote. I wrote the story mainly for the villain, young Jalarn. He is the right hand man of a wicked country, he has everything going for him, but his heart is black. He has a special desire to kill Talya, a willowy blonde knight whom he could break in two if only he could get to her. He does finally catch her spying on him. They fight alone at last in the forest. When she defeats him, she looks into his emerald eyes and sees his past. Who he was, who he is, and she cannot kill him. She spares him and leaves him lying there, wounded and confused. He becomes obsessed with her, he captures her, hurts her, but he cannot kill her. Everything he’s worked so hard for falls apart as her face cannot leave his mind. He betrays his master to save her life. It’s quite a deep, dark story, it was far beyond anything that I had ever experienced at that time.

Perhaps this story that was once so dear to my heart does say much about me. Though I have changed, this story will always stay with me. At the heart of it is mercy, forgiveness. And I would say that this will always be a part of me, after all.

This is the song that inspired much of this novel. I return to listen to it from time to time. It’s beautiful in its own right. I hope it might inspire you as well, in some way.

Photo by Jackson David from Pexels


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